Asking for help and receiving help, a sign of courage and a humanity lesson

It’s October already! The agitation that accompanies the beginning of the school year (whether we have children or not) has gone. One enters a routine, chaotic or not, but a routine anyway. Summer season and summer joy are moving away. Temperatures become cooler. The temptation to withdraw into oneself is high. I do not come here to say that turning in on oneself is neither healthy nor necessary. But sometimes this withdrawal can slip surreptitiously into an unavowed solitude that causes suffering, when in reality we feel deep inside us a need for help. Who hasn’t already experienced the feeling of longing to be helped while struggling to verbalize his or her request or even while simply rejecting the help offered? If this is your case, know that you are not alone, it has happened to me many times and it still happens to me. My tendency is indeed to isolate myself when I need help so badly… Why is it so hard to ask for help and/or receive unsolicited help? ●  Fear of being judged by others: fear of being seen as someone who doesn’t know how to do things or as someone who complains all the time. ●  Fear of self-judgment: “I’m too bad”; “if I ask for help, it’s because I’m weak”, “I’m incompetent”. ●  Shame, pride and guilt: “why I can’t do it by myself”, “I’m going to be a burden if I ask for or accept help”, “I just can’t accept help”, “he/she already has so much to do”, “I can manage on my own”, “I’ve always managed without help”, “I don’t need help”. ●  Resentment: “he could have offered his help spontaneously”; “she should have helped me”. ●  Fear of losing control: fear of being manipulated or dispossessed ●  Fear of being rejected: “I will get a “NO” anyway”; “no one can help me anyway’; “there is nothing I can do anyway”. Yes, even if they are only thoughts in our mind, they can be omnipresent and overwhelming. And yet, the statement “there is nothing to be done” is not true. What to do?● Identify our reactive habits: our physical sensations and our thoughts. What’s going on in our bodies? When we would like to be helped or when a need is not expressed, what does our body tell us? What are the stories that arise in these situations? (cf newsletter of August 2020) What are the costs we pay for listening to our saboteurs, for continuing to tell each other the same stories about asking for help? ● Identifying our real needs We connect deep to our needs, feelings, and desires within ourselves: we listen to what our bodies have to say about our desires. There, we can take stock of what we really need, without judgment, without fears, with empathy and kindness toward ourselves. Is our deepest desire to be alone or to be with someone? Is it a total or partial help that we need? Be as precise as possible. ● Clearly express your request We start from ourselves, not from our stories, saboteurs, or limiting beliefs. We firmly tell our saboteurs that we will not listen to them today and we let go of the stories of the past that do not serve us and make us suffer. It is not a question of being either in the aggression, or in the authoritarianism, or in the complaint, or in the excuse. It is about expressing one’s request while remaining fully centered and connected to one’s own desire. The request is clear and precise. ● Accept help or refusal of help. Assume that the person being asked for help has the choice to accept or refuse. Both “no” and “yes” are part of the request. Otherwise, it is not a request, but an order to be carried out, which is quite different. If the person accepts, it is with full knowledge of the facts. If he or she refuses, it is also with full knowledge of the facts and there is nothing personal here. The “no” is not directed against oneself, it is an answer to a specific request. Don’t take anything personally, and Don’t make any assumptions. (cf The Four Agreements #2 & #3). When you accept, do not forget that it is not a blank check. You accept something specific, hence the importance of formulating your request well. It can be useful to discuss and re-discuss the terms of the help. The win-win relationship By asking for help and accepting it, it’s a win-win situation:
    • ●  You allow that person to fulfil his or her joy of helping you. Human beings like to be of service and help. It is a win-win situation.
●  You inspire others. You invite the other person to do the same if needed. You break with the feeling of loneliness. You open the way to more exchange and sharing. This too is a win-win situation.
➠ If you would like to be informed of other such communications, please sign up​ for any future newsletters.
And please write to me, even a little word.
I love sharing.
Cécile
Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on linkedin
LinkedIn
Scroll to Top